How I Used to Date My Body

The concept of having a healthy beautiful relationship with my body has always fascinated me. Partly because I felt it was impossible and partly because I believed people that said they loved their bodies were just lying (or narcissists).  I couldn't even comprehend what it would feel like to have love towards yourself, let alone be OK with yourself.  Sure, I could be grateful I had a body, that I was a daughter of God, and I could love how incredible the human body was, and I could love different things about myself, yet I couldn't ever really love me as a whole.     

As weird as it may sound, when I was going through the inner journey of finding love for myself, I would notice and compare how I treated others to how I treated myself.  I often wondered at how I treated guys I was interested in.  I then wondered what it would be like if I were dating myself.  Would I be as kind and interested?  Would I spend time with myself?  Would I actually notice myself in a mirror and have great eye contact?  Would I feed myself good things (physically, mentally, and spiritually)?  Would I want to be around me?  Would I laugh with myself?  Would I take time to compliment myself?  Would I express gratitude for the good things about myself and the good things that I did that day? Would I be encouraging?  Would I take time to listen to myself; to my worries, my hopes, my dreams?  Would I accept myself as I am?  Would I feel good about myself?  Would I love myself?  

The truth is, no matter how much of our lives we spend trying to disconnect, numb out, reject, hate, or avoid ourselves, we will never be able to break up with our bodies, let alone divorce them.  And while we can break up from old limiting beliefs that are detrimental to our health and be-ing, we will always have our body.  Our bodies will go through different seasons of different shapes and sizes.  They will grow, expand, break out, get sick, get smaller, shorter, and so on.  Change is a given. Throughout all the many changes, our bodies will always be with us as long as we are here on this Earth.  

Experiencing different seasons of life when dating an awful partner can be miserable.  Especially when the companion is your very own mind.  It's no wonder we have so many mind-altering drugs (including the effects of refined sugar) to help us avoid or quiet down our own thoughts and feelings towards ourselves.  Yet one thing I know is that if ignored, the mind and body only gets louder and louder in the thoughts or symptoms.     

It is so eye-opening how many things I did to avoid being with me, myself, and I.  When dating myself before, I would be completely horrified and embarrassed at how I looked, always looking down at myself and excusing or justifying my looks to others.  I was embarrassed and ashamed at how fat and ugly I felt I was, leading to name calling, derogatory comments, and sarcasm towards myself.  I would be annoyed at how awkward and stupid I felt in conversations, beating myself up when I got home about how I should just keep my mouth shut and not say anything at all so I wouldn't keep making a fool out of myself.  I was super judgmental, nit-picking every single detail of my hair, complexion, skin, nails, condemning myself for not being enough.  Withholding forgiveness and hanging on to mistakes until the end of time was how it was going to be.  There was NO mercy.  I compared myself against every other pretty and skinny female out there, berating myself for not exercising more or harder (which was hours/day on top of competitive sports and dance teams).  I used to hate my body for not being able to eat the same things as others without having some kind of allergic reaction or having my face look like a pepperoni pizza.  I hated myself for standing out and not being "normal", or thin, "beautiful", and tried to "keep myself in my place" by telling myself the reality of how awful I was and looked.  Everything I did was never enough and I would demand that I give even more to everything I did, becoming a hopeless perfectionist. I never gave myself a pep talk because I never felt I deserved it, so I would always push myself harder to be better, do more, be more, having ridiculous rules in my head as to when I would reward (which was rare) or punish myself (which was often) through berating or restricting myself in some way.  I wouldn't allow myself to have any sweets, or if I did it could only be some minuscule determined amount and then hours of exercising to repair the "damage" I had done.  

It was awful living with and dating myself, and my body reflected it.  I was constantly going to the Dr. for stomach aches and pain that never led to any help until after college.  Growing up, the stomach aches led to asthma, constant hives and having to carry an epi-pen with me.  That led to being on meds that are given to AIDS patients to suppress their immune system.  I was so sick physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  

When I finally realized I'd had enough of being an awful date to myself, I decided to do something about it.  I was grateful to be led to different things as I was ready for them.  My healthy dating began with a 30 day cleanse.  I was able to clear out all the junk not only in my body, but also my home.  It was so liberating and freeing to rid myself of old clothes and junk that belonged to more negative unhealthy and unhappy times.  I cleaned up my food, and beauty products, eliminating the facade and need to be an ideal image that would never be realized because it was never been real to begin with.  I purchased clean products that nourished and fed my body as well as gave me peace of mind and spirit.  I took myself out in Nature to walk and be alone with myself (something I had avoided doing for a LONG time).  I started asking myself what I really liked, what I didn't like, what I wanted to do, be, and have.  I asked myself what motivated and inspired me and I started spending more time doing those things.  I listened to myself and gave me time to rest and recuperate from all the years of stress and internalization.  And most importantly, I started to find love for myself.  

I'm by no means perfect at it (whatever perfect really is).  I still have days where I don't like where I'm at in life or in my body and health.  However, knowing I'm responsible for what happens to myself, I'm much more of an advocate and friend to myself now.  I'm much more forgiving and accepting of where I am and the time it is taking to clean up years and years of harm.  I make a point to turn inward and listen as I'm no longer scared of spending time alone with myself.  In fact, my time alone where I can journal, read, meditate, listen, dream, and just be in Nature are some of my favorite times.  I no longer ignore or rush past my reflection.  Making eye contact in the mirror is a must now.  I value me.  I honor this body that has gone through an amazing journey of life with me.  The ups, the downs, the ebb and flow of it all is one journey I'm no longer missing and wishing away.

It's pretty awesome to date myself now.  How do you date you???  How would you want to date you?  It is a choice, and only starts with an awareness and decision.  I would love to hear feedback on your own self-dating journeys and if you would like to change them.

Choose Health!  Choose Joy!  Choose Love!

I'm Sorry Body!!!

I was driving home from a training in Deer Valley with my friend a couple weeks ago, and I experienced something that has been on my mind ever since.  On our way back, we stopped off at Whole Foods to grab some treats to celebrate.  We got a package of Gluten-Free cookies, without really looking at the container. (Purposeful ignoring tactics going on.) Once in the car, and they had safely been purchased and carried out with care, I looked at the ingredients and feigned surprise that they had dairy, eggs, and sugar (Surprise, surprise! I mean really, what packaged cookies doesn't have dairy and sugar?).  All of which doesn't stomach well with either of us and our gut/immune challenges we've been working on.  

As we were happily munching down on our yummy treasures, I shared with my friend what was in them, she simply said, "Sorry body!" and continued to eat the cookies.  Shock and Awe was an understatement.  I couldn't decide whether to laugh, cry, or yell.  "No you're not!!" my mind loudly argued.  If this had been a relationship, and her date was upset she kept slugging him on the shoulder, and she kept slugging him on his shoulder after she apologized every time, it wouldn't be a long-lasting relationship.  If she were truly sorry, she would stop doing the thing that was harmful to herself.  

It was a HUGE call to action for myself to stop doing the things that I knew were harmful to me and start treating my body like a healthy relationship that I truly desire to have with me, myself, and I.  If I really am sorry, I would only put in it what supports my beautiful healing gut. 

Lesson learned, noted, and acted upon!  Thank you friend for showing up and mirroring back in myself what I was doing!  

Chocolate Ginger Bite Cookies

I have been CRAVING my Mom's Ginger Snaps that she used to make, and rather than feel sad for myself that I can't eat them because of the flour, sugar, and dairy, I decided that I CAN have them, I just have to figure out what works for me.  So here's my spin on my Mom's old delicious recipe (with a little addition of cacao powder just because).

Chocolate Ginger Bite Cookies

Gluten-free, Grain-free, Dairy-free, Soy-free, Egg-free, Sugar-free, Vegan, GAPS-Friendly, SCD-Friendly, Paleo

Ingredients

1 C Ground Almond Meal (or another Nut Flour)

2 TBS Protein Powder

3 TBS Ground Chia - Mix with 3/4 C Warm Water

4 TBS Coconut Flour

1 tsp Baking Powder

1 tsp Baking Soda
1/2 tsp Ground Stevia Powder

2 tsp Ginger (you can add a couple drops Ginger Essential Oil instead of the powder)

3 tsp Cinnamon

1/4 C Molasses (optional)

1/4 C Cacao Powder

2 TBS Coconut Milk

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Mix the Ground Chia and Warm Water and set aside.

Mix together all the dry ingredients

In a separate bowl, mix all the wet ingredients (adding the Chia Slurry last).

Add all the ingredients together, mixing well.

Roll into balls and slightly press together.  Place on a pan lined with parchment paper.  

Once placed on the pan, press lightly on the top of each cookie with a fork twice, to create a zigzag pattern.

Bake for 20-25 min until a toothpick comes out clean.  Cool on the cookie sheet for 5-10 min and enjoy!  I added some coconut cream on top.  It started to melt on the warm cookie and reminded me of ice cream.  So yummy!

Cacao Nib Coconut Muffins

Cacao Nib Coconut Muffins

Gluten-free, Grain-free, Dairy-free, Soy-free, Egg-free, Sugar-free, Vegan, GAPS-Friendly, SCD-Friendly, Paleo

Ingredients
4 TBS Coconut Oil
3 TBS Ground Chia Seeds- Mix in with 3/4 C Warm Water
4 TBS Coconut Milk
1/2 tsp Powdered Stevia (or 5-10 drops based on taste preference)
1/2 tsp Sea Salt
1 tsp Vanilla
1/2 C Sifted Coconut Flour
1/2 tsp Baking Powder
1/2 tsp Baking Soda
1/8-1/4 C Cacao Nibs

Instructions

Preheat oven to 400 degrees.  
Mix up the ground chia and warm water with a fork and set aside.  
In another bowl, mix together all the dry ingredients.  
Separately, blend all wet ingredients together (adding the chia slurry last). Combine all ingredients together and mix well.
Scoop out mixture into 9 muffin baking cups and bake for 30-35 min.  A toothpick should come clean when done, however they are moist on the inside.  Cool on a cooling rack for 5-10 min and enjoy with coconut butter or coconut cream on top and a glass of coconut or nut milk.

Clean Raw Chocolate Heart Melters

Gluten-free, Grain-free, Dairy-free, Soy-free, Egg-free, Sugar-free, 

Vegan, GAPS-Friendly, SCD-Friendly, Paleo, Raw

Left image has coconut flakes.  Right image has walnuts added.

Ingredients:

1 C Coconut Oil (softened)

1 C Raw Cacoa Powder

1/8-1/4 C Raw Honey (or liquid Stevia to taste-Start with 10 drops and add drop by drop until you get desired taste)

1 tsp Vanilla powder (or non-alcoholic liquid)

Dash of Salt

Optional Add ins:  

1/4 C Coconut flakes/shreds

1/4 C Walnuts, pecans, or other favorite nut

Fresh Berries

Fresh coconut cream on top (after they've cooled and hardened)

Goji berries

Edible Flowers 

Pumpkin, Sunflower, or Sesame Seeds

Essential Oils: Cinnamon, Clove, Lavender, Wild Orange, Cilantro and Lime, etc

Chilies or cayenne pepper to desired heat

Raw Cocoa Nibs for an extra chocolate kick

Directions:

In a medium sized bowl, add the cacoa, vanilla powder, and salt together.  Then, add the honey and any desired add-ins.  Mix well.  If you are using stevia, start by mixing 10 drops in with the coconut oil.  Then add to the chocolate mixture, stirring by hand.  Mix well.  (You may need to add 1/8-1/4 C more coconut oil if you are strickly sugar-free.  Mix just enough oil to get the chocolate mixed well and moist.)  Scoop the mixture into your choice of molds (or scoop into a small 8 x 8" baking dish lined with parchment paper and score into 24 pieces with a knife before cooling.)  Place in the freezer for about 15 min.  Pop out of the mold (or cut into cubes if using a dish) and store in an air-tight container in the fridge.  When you're ready to enjoy, let them sit out for 5-10 min and they are melt-in-your-mouth perfect!  This recipe makes just over 24 chocolate hearts in less than 20 min!  

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

Gluten-free, Grain-free, Dairy-free, Soy-free, Egg-free, Sugar-free, 

Vegan, GAPS-Friendly, SCD-Friendly, Paleo

One thing that I've really missed in going off all grains and sugar to help my gut and pancreas heal is my Mom's chocolate chip pumpkin oatmeal cookies.  Her cookies were always low-sugar and healthy as far as we knew it, but they are off-limits to me now for a while.  So here is my adaptation to one of my most favorite treats.  (Because I have been used to no sugar lately, these may not be as sweet as you prefer.  You can add more sweetener to  your personal preference.)  I hope you enjoy them as much as I do!

Ingredients:

2 C Protein Powder (or Almond or Nut Flour)

1/2 C Coconut Flour

2 tsp Baking Powder

2 tsp Baking Soda

1/2 C Ground Chia (Dry-Unsoaked)

3 TBS Ground Flax seeds (Dry-Unsoaked)

2 tsp Pumpkin Pie Spice Blend (or use 1 tsp cinnamon, 1/4 tsp cloves, 1/4 tsp nutmeg, 1/4 tsp cardamom, 1/8 tsp star anise, 1/8 tsp fennel)

1 tsp+ to taste ground Stevia leaves (You can substitute honey or raw sugar if you can handle the sugars) 

1 tsp Vanilla Powder (or liquid)
1/4 C Raw Cacao Nibs (or Choc. chips of choice)

2 tsp Apple Cider Vinegar

1/3 C Coconut Oil

1 C Coconut Milk (or Almond Milk)

Directions:

Blend all the dry ingredients together (mixing in the cacao nibs last).  In a separate pan, melt the coconut oil.  Once melted, remove from heat and add all wet ingredients together.  Blend well.  Slowly add the wet ingredients to the dry, mixing well.  The dough should be moist, and hold together fairly well when pinched.  If it's not moist enough, add more coconut milk 1 TBS at a time until you get a good consistency.  Scoop out with a spoon (I used an ice-cream scooper) and roll into balls.  Flatten them with your hand or fork and place on a greased cookie sheet.  Bake at 350 degrees for 30-35 min (or until a toothpick comes out clean and the tops don't cave in when pressed).

Enjoy with fresh coconut cream on top of the cookie and some coconut or nut milk.  

Spiritual Lessons From a Ficus Tree

Ever since I watched Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid, pruning these amazing looking trees, I've always been a fan of bonsai trees.  In fact, I recall spending much more of my study time than I care to admit looking out my college apartment window into the alleyway between our neighboring buildings.  I was fascinated at our neighbor who used his time to cope with bi-polar disorder by spending hours and hours meticulously pruning and caring for some incredible bonsai trees.  So it was no surprise that I jumped at the opportunity to attend a beginning bonsai class with my friend.  We excitedly sat down, waiting for instructions as to how we would take home our very own beautifully pruned bonsai.  We quickly learned that we would not be planting or pruning a traditional bonsai tree, but a "nice easy ficus tree".  (Side note: Why they started us off with a ficus tree is still in question, since it is by no means an easy tree, or a traditional bonsai.  It is a fickle, temperamental....and also beautiful tree.)  My friend and I full-heartedly got to work on re-planting our trees (the pruning would come later we were informed, once we got down how to care for our trees).  We thought (and hoped) they would live well and long under our loving watch-care.  

Once we got them to our homes, however, it didn't take long (within a couple days) for the trees to lose most of their leaves, despite our best efforts to nourish them.  No matter how much sunshine, water, plant food, and love was given to my tree, it continued to drop all but a handful of leaves.  I was devastated.  I have more than 12 plants around my house and have always considered myself to have quite a green thumb.  After the dropping of the leaves, my friend gave me her tree because she couldn't bear to watch it die.  I was quickly getting to the point of despair.  This wasn't just some silly plant....this was something that was living (or rather, now dying) that I was caring for and loved SO much.  It represented something I was willing to invest my time, energy, and love into for years (possibly my whole life-time).  And yet, no amount of my love, or giving it what I thought it needed was ever going to help.  It was time for a change.  

As I sat looking at this plant, I started looking at it differently and REALLY seeing it.  I had all these ideas before of what I thought it needed and how best to care for it (most of them from Google).  Yet none of that was working.  I had to listen, TRULY listen and tune into the heart of what it needed.  I had done a lot of talking to it (great free therapy by the way.  And yes, I do talk to plants....move on, that's not the point of this post.), and yet I had done very little listening.  I asked the plant what it needed, and was surprised at the simple solution that came.  "Humidity".  "Humidity?! I thought, Well, you chose to come to the wrong state buddy!  Utah is anything BUT humid."  And yet this particular tree came from Florida where there's nothing but humidity.  As I listened and sat with it for a minute, I realized I could do something about it. So I started misting it daily with a spray bottle.  Immediately I saw new buds developing and new growth coming in whereas before it had been all dried out and dead.  It was such a simple solution after all my hard work.  This beautiful ficus tree taught me a very important lesson...

No amount of me expressing or doing what I think is love to those around me will matter if they can't understand or receive it in a way that they need.  I have to listen, really listen, and not just to what they are saying or doing, or what I perceive they need, but to how they're really feeling.  My belief that I'm going above and beyond and doing everything I can think of doesn't matter if all the tree needs is humidity (or all the person really needs is a hug, rather than me organizing and cleaning out the whole house).  It reminded me of the 5 Languages of Love: I may be speaking through service, and the other person only speaks by touch.  We couldn't be further apart.  And yet, I believe that no matter the language we speak, to truly understand and connect, we must tune in to the language of the heart. The heart is where all barriers can be crossed and all fears quieted.  I believe it is why the Spirit speaks true understanding to our heart, as well as our mind.  We must feel it to believe and understand it.  The heart truly is where our answers reside.  And it requires us to be ok with feelings.  Not running from them, not avoiding them, not doing everything else we can think of first and put it on the back burner.  All it takes is a few quiet seconds to tune in and really hear.  

I challenge you to take a few minutes of your day today to take something or someone you're concerned about and tune in to your heart, or perhaps someone else's heart, and just sit with it for a few minutes to see what's really needed.  The solution might just simply surprise you!

To your heart and mine,

Have a blessed day!