The concept of having a healthy beautiful relationship with my body has always fascinated me. Partly because I felt it was impossible and partly because I believed people that said they loved their bodies were just lying (or narcissists). I couldn't even comprehend what it would feel like to have love towards yourself, let alone be OK with yourself. Sure, I could be grateful I had a body, that I was a daughter of God, and I could love how incredible the human body was, and I could love different things about myself, yet I couldn't ever really love me as a whole.
As weird as it may sound, when I was going through the inner journey of finding love for myself, I would notice and compare how I treated others to how I treated myself. I often wondered at how I treated guys I was interested in. I then wondered what it would be like if I were dating myself. Would I be as kind and interested? Would I spend time with myself? Would I actually notice myself in a mirror and have great eye contact? Would I feed myself good things (physically, mentally, and spiritually)? Would I want to be around me? Would I laugh with myself? Would I take time to compliment myself? Would I express gratitude for the good things about myself and the good things that I did that day? Would I be encouraging? Would I take time to listen to myself; to my worries, my hopes, my dreams? Would I accept myself as I am? Would I feel good about myself? Would I love myself?
The truth is, no matter how much of our lives we spend trying to disconnect, numb out, reject, hate, or avoid ourselves, we will never be able to break up with our bodies, let alone divorce them. And while we can break up from old limiting beliefs that are detrimental to our health and be-ing, we will always have our body. Our bodies will go through different seasons of different shapes and sizes. They will grow, expand, break out, get sick, get smaller, shorter, and so on. Change is a given. Throughout all the many changes, our bodies will always be with us as long as we are here on this Earth.
Experiencing different seasons of life when dating an awful partner can be miserable. Especially when the companion is your very own mind. It's no wonder we have so many mind-altering drugs (including the effects of refined sugar) to help us avoid or quiet down our own thoughts and feelings towards ourselves. Yet one thing I know is that if ignored, the mind and body only gets louder and louder in the thoughts or symptoms.
It is so eye-opening how many things I did to avoid being with me, myself, and I. When dating myself before, I would be completely horrified and embarrassed at how I looked, always looking down at myself and excusing or justifying my looks to others. I was embarrassed and ashamed at how fat and ugly I felt I was, leading to name calling, derogatory comments, and sarcasm towards myself. I would be annoyed at how awkward and stupid I felt in conversations, beating myself up when I got home about how I should just keep my mouth shut and not say anything at all so I wouldn't keep making a fool out of myself. I was super judgmental, nit-picking every single detail of my hair, complexion, skin, nails, condemning myself for not being enough. Withholding forgiveness and hanging on to mistakes until the end of time was how it was going to be. There was NO mercy. I compared myself against every other pretty and skinny female out there, berating myself for not exercising more or harder (which was hours/day on top of competitive sports and dance teams). I used to hate my body for not being able to eat the same things as others without having some kind of allergic reaction or having my face look like a pepperoni pizza. I hated myself for standing out and not being "normal", or thin, "beautiful", and tried to "keep myself in my place" by telling myself the reality of how awful I was and looked. Everything I did was never enough and I would demand that I give even more to everything I did, becoming a hopeless perfectionist. I never gave myself a pep talk because I never felt I deserved it, so I would always push myself harder to be better, do more, be more, having ridiculous rules in my head as to when I would reward (which was rare) or punish myself (which was often) through berating or restricting myself in some way. I wouldn't allow myself to have any sweets, or if I did it could only be some minuscule determined amount and then hours of exercising to repair the "damage" I had done.
It was awful living with and dating myself, and my body reflected it. I was constantly going to the Dr. for stomach aches and pain that never led to any help until after college. Growing up, the stomach aches led to asthma, constant hives and having to carry an epi-pen with me. That led to being on meds that are given to AIDS patients to suppress their immune system. I was so sick physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
When I finally realized I'd had enough of being an awful date to myself, I decided to do something about it. I was grateful to be led to different things as I was ready for them. My healthy dating began with a 30 day cleanse. I was able to clear out all the junk not only in my body, but also my home. It was so liberating and freeing to rid myself of old clothes and junk that belonged to more negative unhealthy and unhappy times. I cleaned up my food, and beauty products, eliminating the facade and need to be an ideal image that would never be realized because it was never been real to begin with. I purchased clean products that nourished and fed my body as well as gave me peace of mind and spirit. I took myself out in Nature to walk and be alone with myself (something I had avoided doing for a LONG time). I started asking myself what I really liked, what I didn't like, what I wanted to do, be, and have. I asked myself what motivated and inspired me and I started spending more time doing those things. I listened to myself and gave me time to rest and recuperate from all the years of stress and internalization. And most importantly, I started to find love for myself.
It's pretty awesome to date myself now. How do you date you??? How would you want to date you? It is a choice, and only starts with an awareness and decision. I would love to hear feedback on your own self-dating journeys and if you would like to change them.
Choose Health! Choose Joy! Choose Love!
